“Guess what happened today!” my 10-year-old sister burst into the kitchen. She proceeded to tell me about how she messed up her presentation at school, and afterward, a boy in her class went up to her, rubbed her shoulders and whispered, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” I stood at the door with my mouth open. My mind flooded with my own memories from when I was her age—memories of feeling confused and uncomfortable. Of not knowing how to act when a boy touched me, well-intentioned—but still unwarranted.
My heart dropped. As stunned as I was, I was not surprised. I remember being her age, and I knew her school experience was too similar to mine. I made sure she knew that what he did—regardless of his intent—was inappropriate and that she was not being dramatic for feeling uncomfortable. Because this was a small incident, everyone she talked to simply said the boy was just trying to comfort her and probably liked her. What worried me was that, what if by excusing the boy’s actions, we teach my sister that she is overreacting? What if she learns to accept these behaviors, and learns to let things like this slide?
That is my worst fear.
Rape culture starts early, even in elementary or middle school. “Seventh grade I feel like is when a lot of the jokes really start,” says Liz Kobs, a counselor at Beverly Cleary K-8. “And then a lot of … gender roles and stereotypes come into play.”
Rape culture is a set of beliefs, behaviors and values that normalize sexual assault and rape. It begins as soon as one is able to understand that there is a social norm which is not acceptable to go against. When a girl says that something makes her uncomfortable, she is told to not be dramatic. Not wanting to seem sensitive, that pressure becomes internalized. She applies these feelings to other situations that make her uncomfortable, ones that might be more serious. But it’s not only girls who internalize that message. Society has created a culture in which it is not only normal to treat women inappropriately, but also swept under the rug when a woman says something happened to her. The talk begins: she’s doing it for attention, for revenge; she asked for it, she’s being dramatic.
Rape culture is so prevalent that some people aren’t even aware that it’s a problem. As a society, we have become too tolerant of men’s inappropriate and demeaning behavior towards women.
Our culture is littered with examples of rape culture that seem commonplace. The normalized culture of men not taking no for an answer is dangerous, especially when they’re not held accountable for their actions. We see it in people who are supposed to be role models, like President Donald Trump, who has bragged about using his power to sexually assault women. We see it in the everyday actions of people catcalling and slut-shaming women, both occurrences that start incredibly young.
The first time I was ever called a whore was in middle school.
As kids get older, it turns into gossip about who she’s dating or sleeping with and her “body count.” What was just middle school drama about “who’s dating who” has conditioned kids to look down on girls who are perceived as dating a lot or “sleeping around.” Now, instead of blaming the person who took advantage of a drunk girl, we blame the girl for getting too drunk. Instead of blaming the perpetrator who violated her body, we blame the girl who showed hers. Men who own their sexuality are seen as powerful, while women who do it are seen as trashy or attention-seeking.
“I think so many things start with joking around … I also see things starting and escalating sometimes because of lack of boundaries,” says Kobs. Too many girls can attest to this. Insufficient education on consent also contributes to the issue of boundaries. Something that’s meant playfully or as a kind gesture—like a hug—isn’t always wanted by the other person. A problem arises when kids aren’t taught that they need permission for those sorts of things.
“People aren’t really learning about consent,” says an anonymous seventh-grade boy from Beverly Cleary. Kobs runs a small boys’ group of seventh graders that voluntarily participate. Inside the group, they discuss things ranging from how to make cereal to how to break up with someone, but a central topic is the treatment of girls. “There are those like high-schoolers … and you can just hear them making comments on all of the girls, and it’s just really awkward,” says one of the boys in the group. The discomfort they feel is evidence of growth, and that needs to spread. Conversations about growing up, toxic masculinity, consent and how to treat girls need to start younger.
While we’ve made progress, I believe it is the job of educators—teachers, parents and role models of all kinds—to change the norm. Stand up for women and teach consent, respect and boundaries so that in the future, nobody has to teach their little sister that her comfort level shouldn’t be compromised because of the lack of education and toxic social norm. ♦
