Growing up, I could tell I was different. While other kids were excited about playing soccer or going to birthday parties, I felt isolated. I spent my days dreading school and dealing with people. Anxiety was my closest partner. I was suffering from depression.
Like me, 4.3 percent of teens have depression, an affliction that’s misunderstood and has made my adolescence difficult. Depression is different from run-of-the-mill teen angst; it’s a serious affliction with serious consequences. It’s taken a long time to accept my struggle and deal with it in a healthy manner. Learning to cope and grow into a healthy individual is definitely a challenge. However, I’m determined to prove to myself that the stigma of depression doesn’t have to get the best of you. I don’t remember ever being happy. I felt excitement and enjoyment. But the moments of enthusiasm were punctuated by long periods of anxiety, sadness and isolation. It wasn’t an external event that brought this on. My life wasn’t that hard, which made understanding my feelings all the more difficult.
The gloom and angst grew with age. The first time I considered suicide was in second grade, but it was hardly the last. I couldn’t understand how my peers were so carefree. I used humor to fit in and hide how I was feeling. Middle school was difficult, but it wasn’t until high school that I encountered problems academically. With my depression came a lack of motivation and an overwhelming sense of apathy. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning. I hated school. My condition made dealing with everyday stresses impossible.
Sophomore year was the first time I let my depression affect my academic performance. My attendance plummeted because I couldn’t get out of bed. I went through periods of eating sparingly because food simply didn’t taste good. I didn’t do my work, instead staring at sheets of paper and being unable to write anything. Junior year was worse. I tried to tell myself: “Just one more week.” But I couldn’t deny it anymore.
I started seeing a counselor in September 2011 and so far things have changed. I’ve opted not to take medication but I’ve opened up about my condition. I’ve crafted new relationships based on honesty and trust. Due to the stigma associated with depression, coming out to friends and family is a risk, but it’s a risk I’ve learned to take. I’ve accepted that depression is something I’m going to have to deal with my whole life.
I recognize this condition is still new to me, and I don’t have all the answers yet. It remains unclear how this will have an impact on my goals and dreams. But the experience has better prepared me for life. It’s taught me to not be afraid to seek out help and the importance of being honest with myself. I’ve learned that I cannot let how I feel dictate how I live. I’ve learned not to let my depression define me. ♦
