A PSA from Grant Magazine
After battling COVID-19 for three years, a new health crisis has spread through the halls of Grant High School. Known scientifically as Spinaburdenonu, the World Health Organization (WHO) has yet to classify this crisis as an epidemic, but experts say it’s quickly becoming one.
Medical professionals say that at its worst, Spinaburdenonu can cause back pain, muscle strain, fatigue, unnatural compression of the spine and a plethora of other ailments.
Spinaburdenonu poses a serious threat to Grant’s most vulnerable population: unassuming freshmen, who are already suffering from the serious condition Newbiestograntious. With their small stature, they may not be able to bear the full weight of the illness.
Sophomore Ivan Palmer experienced the effects of Spinaburdenonu and was one of the first to sound the alarm about the growing epidemic. After dealing with chronic back pain and strain throughout the 2021-2022 school year, Palmer decided to visit a physical therapist. “I only went one day and they told me that I just had to take stuff out of my backpack … they said they couldn’t really help,” he says.
Even though both physical therapists and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have yet to find a cure, they have identified the root cause of the crisis: heavy backpacks.
Where in the World is Locker 0095?
While medical professionals say storing supplies in a locker and making frequent trips to retrieve them in between class periods is a surefire way to lighten your load, it is easier said than done.
Due to Grant’s lack of lockers, all students except ninth-graders must visit the office to be assigned one.
According to Grant’s vice principal, Scott Roosevelt, the entire process takes merely a few minutes. Yet, even at the expense of their backs, it appears many students have not found the motivation within themselves to make the trip.
Even students who have lockers struggle to utilize them. Grant’s complex, rectangular gridwork of hallways makes it impossibly difficult for students to find their lockers within the mere seven-minute passing period. As sophomore Everette Bistoff says, “Using a locker is a pain in the ass.”
To combat these barriers, Grant’s computer science classes have been commissioned to make an app called “LockerQuest.” The app will feature an interactive map of the school, showing the location of the user’s locker, as well as the quickest path to it from any spot in the building.
Grant Student Body Shows Potential for a Successful Weightlifting Team
Grant Magazine found that the average backpack at Grant weighs 13.4 pounds.
The Chromebooks used by students in the Portland Public Schools district add significantly to the total weight. At roughly 2.5 pounds, they make up 18.6% of the 13.4 pounds. The massive math textbooks used by freshmen and sophomores no doubt contribute as well. Distributed by the company Carnegie Learning, they measure an impressive 2 inches in thickness and weigh around 2.4 pounds. Julia Kirkpatrick, a concerned ninth-grade English teacher, says “They have a math textbook that is larger than I’ve ever seen!”
As a result of carrying 13.4 pounds every day, Grant students have noticed a significant increase in shoulder strength and endurance. The coaches of Grant’s volleyball, football, water polo, basketball, softball and baseball teams have all seen a steady improvement among their players without even hitting the weight room.
However, constantly hauling a 13.4-pound bag comes with a cost. A study conducted by Dr. Kennet Hansraj of New York Spine Surgery and Rehabilitation Medicine Center says, “The amount of force placed on the spine in a neutral position is 7.2 times the weight of the backpack.” That means around 96.4 pounds of force is placed on students’ spines.
This December, Grant Administration and Student Leadership will host a school-wide assembly to bring awareness to Spinaburdenonu and the role that backpacks play in it, as well as to announce the new Generals power-lifting team. With even the smallest freshman being able to deadlift nearly 15 pounds, Grant’s athletic department has high hopes for the spring season.
The Future of Backpacks?
For decades, Jansport’s three-pocket bags have dominated the American backpack scene. However, according to John Hopkins All Children’s Hospital, the iconic design’s narrow straps “can interfere with circulation and nerves (and) lead to tingling, numbness, and weakness in the arms and hands.”
Thankfully for Grant students, freshman John Doe has a solution. Known at his previous school as the “Guy with the Rolley Backpack,” Doe’s unique bag choice could be the much-needed cure to Spinaburdenonu. According to Harvard Medical School, making the switch to a rolling backpack eases back strain and meets their “guidelines for proper (backpack) use.”
Although wheeled backpacks have had a questionable reputation in the past, they have come a long way. Doe assures students that Grant is not a hostile place for rolling backpack users, and you can now buy a wheeled version of Jansport’s iconic backpack in six fun colors!
